Going no contact is not an easy feat. Not everyone can go no contact with narcissists. We may have to deal with narcissists on a regular basis even when we don’t want to.
You may have to work with them, co-parent with them, or encounter them as strangers in regular life.
For those cases where you can go no contact with narcissists, please do. You will save yourself a lot of time and energy. One less narcissist to deal with is actually a great deal.
Examples of narcissists you can easily go no contact with are mainly friends (non-work related), old acquaintances, and extended family you may only have to meet socially.
With friend groups, it gets a bit tricky, as you may have a good relationship with a few of them in the same group, or you may realize that none of them are good for you.
The three aspects you have to deal with while going no contact are the following:
Guilt: Some part of you always feels guilty, at least initially and from time to time, about going no contact. You may also think about the good times you had with them.
Always remember that all the good things they did are canceled out by the abuse they inflicted upon you.
Write down how each person you are planning to go no contact with has impacted your life. Journal about your emotions and revisit them from time to time.
If this is your first time doing it, give yourself time to make this decision.
Social Conditioning: A ‘good’ person is often expected to be nice to everyone and always forgiving. However, a healthy person should set boundaries, stand up for themselves, and not tolerate abuse.
Try to be a healthy person, not just a ‘good’ person as society dictates.
Smear Campaigns: This is a part and parcel of every narcissistic relationship, even if you don’t go no contact.
Narcissists have always badmouthed you and tried to project an image of you that suits them. You may or may not be aware of it.
So don’t be afraid to go no contact fearing a smear campaign. They will do it anyway.
Here are 10 reminders and tips for successful no contact.
1. Do not tell anyone about going no contact.
No one needs to know about your decision to go no contact with narcissists. The more discreetly you do it, the better.
Many people may never understand the reasons behind your choice to go no contact.
You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. You know what these narcissists did to you, and that’s more than enough.
There may be situations where you need to stand your ground in front of the narcissists, perhaps even openly in front of others. Do what is necessary.
2. Stop responding to their texts, phone calls, and social media posts.
This is the first step to going no contact. Stop responding to narcissists in any way.
Narcissists will definitely notice the lack of supply and may reach out. Do not respond. You may feel guilt initially, but stand your ground. Hang on.
3. When communication between you and the narcissists becomes nil, block them.
Block them everywhere—social media, phone, email. Do not give them access to your house. Even if they try to visit you unannounced, do not open the door.
4. When flying monkeys show up, do not respond.
The next thing a narcissist will try is to use their flying monkeys to get to you.
If people close to the narcissist, whom you have blocked, suddenly reach out to you, understand that they are acting like flying monkeys. Do not respond.
The enablers of narcissists may never understand your decision. They will keep questioning your intentions and decision-making. They may persuade you to talk to the narcissist or try to understand what happened to the narcissist.
Flying monkeys themselves may or may not be narcissists. Do not waste your time analyzing them.
Block them too if needed. Try to revamp your entire social circle with only kind, empathetic people who understand you. Others are not worth it.
5. Close any other connection to you.
Close any other connections to you through any other person, such as a close family member or friend. Ask them to block the narcissists too, if possible, or at least not share your news/information with them.
Ask your close ones not to share information about you anywhere, especially if they are in touch with the narcissists, such as in the case of extended family.
Remember, we cannot control what other people may or may not be willing to do for you. This method may not work in extended family scenarios.
All you can do is request your family/friend not to share your information with the narcissists. If you realize they are not capable of honoring your privacy, block them too.
6. Remember, you can always renew and rebuild your social circle.
As you learn more about narcissism, you will realize there are more narcissists in your social circle than you would like to admit. There may be many who enable these narcissists.
You may end up losing a major chunk of your social circle. That is fine. Always prioritize quality over quantity and try to rebuild your social circle in other ways.
Allow people into your life very selectively.
7. You can meet people you like separately from the circles with narcissists.
Avoid parties/functions with the narcissists. Figure out other ways to meet people you love outside of events where narcissists are present.
You can go out for dinners or brunches one-on-one.
8. Even if you accidentally meet narcissists outside, refuse to engage.
You don’t have to talk to them or even acknowledge them. Behave as if they don’t exist.
They will talk bad about you behind your back anyway, so don’t worry about the consequences.
9. If you end up meeting them socially, do the bare minimum acknowledgment.
In public, narcissists may not confront you easily. So, you can easily get away with doing the bare minimum. Just give a smile and move away.
If they make any snarky comments, respond with a snarky comment back, which they will not expect from you. This can put the narcissist in shock and may leave you alone for that day.
In the case of the death of someone dear to you, try to pay respects to the person and leave without acknowledging any narcissists.
In the case of other fun events like weddings, hang out with a group of people you are comfortable with.
10. Give importance to your safety and sanity first.
You might feel guilty the first time when you are intentionally going no contact with someone as an empathetic person.
Show empathy to people who can respect that; otherwise, they will see it as an opportunity to hurt you more.
Being selfish about certain aspects is not a bad quality.
Understand that for a long time, religions and society have been preaching forgiveness as some sort of virtue, which is not true at all.
We have a full article on why forgiveness is not always a virtue.
Your first priority should be yourself—anything that poses a threat to your physical, emotional, sexual, and mental well-being should be considered a grave crime.
Additional resources:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x96bDB10b4Q
https://psychologia.co/narcissist-no-contact/
https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/is-it-ever-okay-to-break-no-contact-with-a-narcissist-30fbf3f459ef
https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/things-narcissists-do-when-you-go-no-contact/