With all due respect to male narcissistic abuse survivors and acknowledging there are women narcissists, this article is mainly targeted to women narcissistic abuse survivors.
Statistically, there are more male narcissists and it is also highly possible mainly due to patriarchy. We are talking about how patriarchy is a form of narcissism and why decentering men consciously is important. We will delve deep into those layers.
What is decentering men and why should we do it?
Most of us have grown up in a patriarchal society that has always considered men as the standard, whether it’s in building cars or setting office temperatures.
Women have, from birth, been expected to live for their hypothetical husband. Our mothers and grandmothers’ lives probably revolved around the convenience of men (mostly husbands and fathers) in their lives.
Decentering men involves prioritizing yourself as a person and your needs, while removing men from a central position in your life.
The men you decenter may or may not be narcissists, but many of them grew up entitled. It is actually very difficult for a man to understand the plight of women until and unless they listen to women. How many of them actually care about women and their issues?
The world now talks about men’s loneliness and mental health. We have hidden our traumas, mostly caused by men, for a very long time and pretended we are fine.
They actually mock us for our traumas caused by men and give it a fun name: ‘daddy issues.’ So why should we bother about theirs?
From the first man to the last man you have met, most of you have been disappointed. Very few of you are lucky enough to have an exemplary father figure in your life, even though many men will try to father us not by taking any responsibility or adding value, but by controlling.
So stop including them in your life until they work on themselves or make a bare minimum effort to understand our problems.
Decentering men is like Boundary Setting 101, which is a crucial aspect of healing from narcissistic abuse. You will be saved from many narcissistic men and their manipulations
Many societal standards and norms are established for the convenience of men. Thus, by decentering men, you’re prioritizing yourself first.
Decentering men is a way to realize that certain things you thought you enjoyed, loved, or believed in were essentially what society indirectly told you was cool—again, keeping up with what men found cool.
I am reminded of the cool girl monologue in ‘Gone Girl’. It’s important to prioritize actions based on your values and beliefs, rather than unconsciously trying to please others, especially men.
10 Strategies to Decenter Men:
1. Avoiding following men (male influencers, celebrities, friends, relatives, coworkers, neighbors, acquaintances) online (only follow them after they have earned your trust).
It’s always better to assume that most of them are either ignorant about women’s issues or are sexist. Many of them are really insecure, thanks to patriarchy. Report content that openly promotes sexism and misogyny.
If you want to learn something, seek out women who can teach you. They can offer insights that men may not provide, whether it’s about fitness or fasting.
Make an extra effort to discover the best female content creators and influencers. Show them your support for bravely putting themselves out there, despite facing trolling and bullying.
Celebrate your female friends. Embrace sisterhood and uplift each other online.
2. Not allowing men to follow you on social media as a form of decentering men.
If possible, keep your social media accounts private. Be very selective about the people you give access to in your life, both online and offline.
Do not give the benefit of the doubt to men. It is always better to assume that all are potential predators who do not have your best interests at heart than to regret it later.
They can get jealous of you very easily. They find it hard to digest the fact that women can be better than them.
Some of them might want to date you under the pretense of first being friends. They see themselves as some prize that you can never say no to.
To be on the safe side, always make sure you know them well before giving access to your social media. It is one of decentering men.
3. Supporting female-owned businesses, ventures, and services.
Try to shop from local stores run by women. They may not have high marketing budgets.
Remember, women have often faced more challenges than men to reach their current positions in society. Extend your support to other women.
Whether you’re hiring a doctor, lawyer, accountant, or house help, prioritize employing a woman.
4. Supporting female art and artists as a form of decentering men.
For centuries, cinema and art have been dominated by men. This can be seen in how our pop culture remains so sexist. There are still very few narratives from women.
We have all grown up seeing women written by men. No wonder we were all ‘cool girls’ at some point.
5. Supporting charities/organizations that work for women as a form of decentering men.
Support other women who are less fortunate than you, especially abuse victims. Always remember, we could have easily been in their place.
6. Unfollowing people /withdrawing support to organizations that show misogyny and sexism.
Money talks. Do not give your time or money to people who still haven’t figured out how to treat women. People who have a problem with ‘cancel culture’ most likely have never faced consequences for their terrible actions ever in their life and must have gotten away due to their privileges.
7. Voting for women leaders or leaders who support women.
Politics is another place where we can make a difference. Support women candidates.
Support candidates who support women. Make sure you vote. Try to learn more about the candidates’ background and previous work. Even today some candidates have no shame in openly proclaiming that they want to take back women’s right to vote.
8. Not helping religions with your time or money as a form of decentering men.
Your faith and what you believe in or not is your thing. But we can’t ignore the fact that Religion is the breeding ground for misogyny. All the mainstream religions treat women as second-class citizens. Why should we contribute to systems that see us as secondary?
9. Speaking up and taking action even when you see the smallest level of sexism.
I have seen men intimidating women for the silliest of things. It is as if they are looking for every opportunity to put down a woman.
Speak out when you either see sexism or face it. Make sure you are in a safe place while doing so.
Ask them, “So?” or “What is your problem?” or “Why are you acting like a creep?”.
Just laugh in their face if you don’t want to speak up. Sometimes nonverbal communication is the best for these people.
If you can report to an authority or police, please do so without hesitation.
10. Calling out enablers of sexism.
When another women tries to be a ‘cool girl’, call them out. Call out the men who silently watch other men abuse women.
Additional resources:
https://charliestoolbox.medium.com/decentering-men-why-you-need-to-let-go-of-men-25f3a5dd2da2
https://www.charliestoolbox.com/post/how-to-decenter-men
https://sasforwomen.com/the-decisive-value-of-decentering-men-from-your-life/
