Source: Stills from ‘Thappad’ (Amazon Prime)
In this article, we are focusing on heterosexual relationships.
All That Glitters Is Not Gold
This is the line that comes to mind when I think about romance and marriage.
How many people are truly happy in their marriages?
As an adult in my 30s, I have at times thought about marriage very seriously. Marriages are given extreme importance in a patriarchy and are considered one of the key yardsticks of a successful life.
But is that really true, or are women being gaslighted into believing this? Who benefits the most from marriage?
Let’s start with romance and its depiction in pop culture.
One of the interesting questions in the AskMen subreddit was:
Men, why do most of us not enjoy romance movies?
Some of the answers suggested that it’s because most romantic movies focus on the man making an effort to woo the woman.
Many men don’t want to put effort into romance; they want unconditional love simply for existing.
They don’t aim to better themselves or see the value in what women or a romantic relationship can add to their lives.
The discussion often revolves around the money spent on women. They don’t want to be providers but still want conventional wives or girlfriends.
As someone mentioned in the subreddit, romance is popular among weebs because, in anime, manga, or video games, women also cook for them, dress how they like, or even pursue them.
Most men do not realize how much mental gymnastics it takes for a woman to trust them. When they agree to go out with you, show some respect.
While men may worry about the bill, women are concerned about their safety.
Safety is one of the reasons why women don’t initiate or chase after men. If they do, the very same men who demand that women initiate will be the first to label her a slut or assassinate her character.
This highlights the gap between the romance that is sold to women and the reality of romance in real life.
Men have no problem reaping the benefits of thousands of years of oppression of women and no shame in continually demanding more.
Patriarchy is a narcissistic system. All misogyny stems from a lack of empathy and a desire to control women.
Men raised in a patriarchy need to show empathy, and make an effort to understand women.
The rise of misogynist incels has worsened misogyny, as reflected in behavior on social media and the increase in femicide cases.
Femicide cases have increased over the years.
As per CWGL, in 2020, an average of at least five Black women and girls were killed each day in the U.S., marking a 33% increase from 2019.
Of these, 30% of the murders were committed by intimate partners or family members, and 9 out of 10 victims knew their killers.
Romance is a highly overrated form of love.
Romance is often depicted as the ultimate form of love in our pop culture—something we must all aspire to have.
However, romance is highly overrated. Sometimes, a platonic friendship with your girl best friend may have more depth and understanding than a romantic relationship.
Marriage in a Patriarchy
In the movie “Thappad”, a typical unproblematic marriage in patriarchy is depicted. Everything appears perfect until it isn’t.
The daughter-in-law is loved and respected for the role she plays in the household. However, nobody truly loves or respects her as an individual. Amritha’s journey to this realization forms the crux of the story.
Amritha has a typical, good-looking, well-to-do husband, and she believes—or has been made to believe—that this is enough to lead a happy life.
The movie highlights how marriages can sometimes strip away individuality.
Women might willingly accept their roles if they were respected for their contributions to the household. Wives are seldom acknowledged for the labor that does not generate direct income.
The best available evidence suggests that the institution of marriage is approximately 4,350 years old.
Historically, the primary purpose of marriage was to bind women to men, ensuring that a man’s children were his legitimate biological heirs. Through marriage, a woman became the property of her husband.
Not much has changed even today. Women change their surnames, and often their first names are not announced at their own wedding reception. Wives typically move to where their husband or his family lives.
Even when women go out to work, they are still expected to take care of the house and children with little to no support from their husbands.
Expectations of women and wives have only increased, while men’s standards remain low. They can be an average Joe but will expect a model-like wife who will also be his maid, mother, and second income.
Very few people have the mental maturity and empathy to maintain healthy relationships. We were all raised by imperfect people in imperfect systems like patriarchy. Few are willing to work on themselves and understand the true responsibilities of marriage.
Selling the idea of romance to women and suggesting that they will all somehow magically find a great partner in this patriarchy is nothing less than cruelty.
References:
https://theweek.com/articles/528746/origins-marriage
https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/ideology/misogynist-incels
https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/WHO-RHR-12.38
https://eige.europa.eu/gender-based-violence/femicide?language_content_entity=en
