We have all heard “forgive but don’t forget”. What does that statement even mean? Don’t get me wrong. I am not asking you to keep track of every wrong done to you and take revenge. I would rather use my time and energy in other pursuits.
While forgiveness is commonly seen as a noble and righteous act, it’s essential to question whether it truly serves our best interests in every situation. I will state my reasons why I find forgiveness sometimes to be a scam to enable narcissistic people who want to hurt you again.
1. Forgiveness is expected from the “good” person
I believe forgiveness is personal, and it must be totally up to the person. Forgiveness is often presented as a selfless act that benefits both the forgiver and the forgiven. Creating a need to be forgiving is advantageous only to bullies. Not being able to forgive can even create guilt and shame.
There is a societal pressure to forgive quickly, often under the guise of “moving on” or “letting go.” As a society, we often downplay mental and emotional abuse, the effects it has on the person, and the time and toil it takes, even leading to suicide.
Marginalized individuals may feel pressured to forgive their oppressors as a means of survival or as a way to maintain relationships within their communities. This can result in the suppression of anger and the perpetuation of unjust systems. It’s important to recognize that forgiveness should never be used as a tool to silence or invalidate the experiences of marginalized individuals.
2. Forgiveness is often one-sided
While you forgive, in the same situation, bullies won’t forgive you. They see it as an opportunity to treat you even more badly because you have been “bad” to them, and they shame you every opportunity they get for the mistake you made.
Forgiveness is often portrayed as a one-sided act, where the forgiver is expected to absolve the wrongdoer of their actions without any accountability on the part of the offender.
However, true forgiveness requires accountability and a genuine effort to make amends. Without accountability, forgiveness can become a hollow gesture that perpetuates harm and enables the offender to continue their actions without consequence. The empathetic person is always expected to forgive, while the other one rarely even realizes they have hurt you.
3. We can move on easily without the dilemma of forgiving
There is a common belief that to move on, we need to forgive. In my case, with time, I have learned to be indifferent. I ruminate less about them as time goes by, and going without contact helped me too.
While forgiveness is often presented as the ultimate goal, it’s essential to explore alternative approaches that may better serve our personal growth and well-being.
Acceptance and letting go can be powerful alternatives to forgiveness, allowing us to release the burden of anger and resentment without necessarily absolving the wrongdoer.
Acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of a situation and finding peace within ourselves, even without the presence of forgiveness. Letting go, on the other hand, involves relinquishing our attachment to the past and focusing on our present and future.
Both acceptance and letting go provide avenues for healing and growth that may be more accessible and empowering than traditional notions of forgiveness.
4. Forgiving easily sometimes shows a lack of self-respect and esteem
Easily forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply shows you always give more importance to others’ feelings than your own.
Our primary duty and responsibility are to ourselves and to protect our emotional, physical, mental, and sexual well-being. Not forgiving can also be a form of standing up for yourself.
Not forgiving is a form of rebellion and a way to show the narcissists that things can’t go their way and won’t go back to “normal”.
Premature forgiveness denies us the necessary time and space to process our emotions fully. It’s essential to permit ourselves to feel anger, sadness, or any other emotions that arise as a result of being wronged.
Rushing the forgiveness process can result in unresolved pain and resentment, which can seep into other areas of our lives.
5. Forgiving makes you an easy target for more abuse and bullying
Raised a Catholic, I considered forgiveness a virtue that has made me an easy target for a lot of bullies in my life.
Forgiveness made me a target of constant bullying by different people. Narcissists consider your forgiveness as another opportunity to continue the abuse even more cruelly.
When we prioritize forgiveness without considering our well-being, we risk perpetuating harmful patterns and neglecting our own emotional needs.
It’s essential to establish healthy boundaries that protect our mental and emotional health before considering forgiveness. We must be aware of the power dynamics at play and the risk of enabling harmful behavior when forgiveness is misused.
You can read more about the situations where forgiveness is not ok here:
https://www.verywellmind.com/when-is-it-ok-not-to-forgive-someone-5199745#:~:text=If%20forgiving%20someone%20guarantees%20that,doesn’t%20respect%20your%20boundaries.
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-problem-with-forgiveness-and-what-i-now-do-instead/