How many of you have had to buy your own stocking stuffers because no one else thought about it? Meanwhile, your family’s stockings are filled to the brim thanks to your efforts.
How often have you planned, cooked, cleaned, and decorated while everyone else just shows up to enjoy the “magic” you created?
Women make the holidays magical, yet often receive little to no credit for their efforts.
They’re the ones buying gifts, planning menus, decorating, cooking, and ensuring everyone feels the festive spirit. Meanwhile, their own needs often get ignored.
This year, especially after the 2024 presidential elections where the disregard for women’s safety became glaringly obvious, it’s time to stop sacrificing yourself for a holiday season.
Decentering men during the holidays is more than just a buzzword; it’s a necessary shift in priorities.
If men can’t be bothered to prioritize your safety and well-being, why should you prioritize their comfort and expectations?
This season, let’s change that. Decentering men means shifting the focus to yourself—your joy, rest, and well-being.
Stick around as we dive into 10 actionable ways of decentering men this holiday season.
Plus, at the end of this post, we’ll share a bonus list of self-care activities perfect for the holiday season!
10 Ways Of Decentering Men This Holiday Season:
1. Don’t Initiate Holiday Tasks
Holidays are supposed to be about togetherness, but why does the heavy lifting—decorating, cooking, planning, and organizing—always fall on women?
This year, embrace change by shifting responsibilities as a way of decentering men.
This year, try something radical: don’t initiate holiday tasks that also benefit the men in your household, workplace, or community.
Whether it’s setting up decorations, planning the menu, organizing parties, or coordinating holiday photos and Secret Santa, let the men step up and take on these responsibilities.
Instead of rushing to buy gifts for your husband’s family or meticulously planning every detail of the celebrations, simply stop.
If someone asks why these things haven’t been done, let them know that it’s their turn. After years of carrying this invisible load, it’s time to share the responsibility.
Key Tips to Start Decentering Men During the Holidays:
- Step Back and Observe: Skip initiating tasks like decorating or party planning and see who notices—and what they do about it.
- Set Boundaries: If asked why you’re stepping back, say you’re tired of doing it year after year.
- Avoid Guilt-Tripping Yourself: You’re not “ruining” the holidays; you’re redistributing the labor.
The following infographic from USAFacts shows time spent by women and men in household activities.
The following chart by Pamela Ferrara, featured in Salem Reporter, illustrates that women consistently spend significantly more time on household chores than men—a pattern that has remained largely unchanged since the federal government began tracking time use in 2003.
The following Reddit story about women deciding not to plan Secret Santa in their office is both insightful and empowering.
It highlights the importance of decentering men and redistributing responsibilities in shared spaces.
Men often overlook how much work goes into making holidays special because they’ve never been asked to do it.
Giving them the opportunity to take initiative is the first step toward a fairer division of labor.
By taking a step back and letting others step up, you not only lighten your load but also challenge the outdated norms of who is responsible for holiday magic.
2. Stop Spending Time and Money on Men and Pick-Me Women
What if you reclaimed all the time, energy, and money you’ve been pouring into men or women who prioritize men?
Imagine how much more fulfilling your life could be if you redirected those resources to yourself or the people who truly matter.
One of the most effective ways of decentering men this holiday season—and in life—is to stop mothering them or enabling pick-me women. These are women who place men at the center of their world, often at the expense of other women.
- Don’t buy gifts for men who don’t reciprocate or show appreciation. Let them take the initiative for once.
- Don’t buy gifts on your husband’s behalf for his family or friends. Let him think about and take care of them this year. It’s time he took responsibility for his relationships.
- Avoid cooking or hosting for men who treat your labor as invisible. Your time and effort are valuable, and if they can’t recognize it, they don’t deserve it.
- Say no to pick-me women who exploit your generosity. Avoid helping those who would readily throw you under the bus for a man.
This small but impactful shift can free up mental and emotional space, allowing you to focus on people and activities that truly bring you joy.
When you stop giving your time and energy to those who undervalue it, you declutter your life both emotionally and physically. This isn’t just about cutting ties—it’s about making space for meaningful relationships and self-care.
The following chart is from Our World Data that depicts the average share of each day that women and men aged 15 and older spend on unpaid care and domesticwork.
Women in India spend twice as much time as men on unpaid household chores, according to a government study. This statistic highlights the persistent gender disparity in domestic responsibilities.
Read more at: https://www.deccanherald.com/india/women-spend-double-the-time-than-men-on-unpaid-household-chores-govt-study-894862.html
By choosing to prioritize yourself and those who truly cherish your presence, you’ll not only save time and energy but also create a life where your effort is respected and appreciated.
3. Support Women This Holiday Season: Shop Smart, Tip Generously, and Empower Female Entrepreneurs
The holidays are a perfect time to spread joy—but why not make your holiday shopping and planning an opportunity to support women?
From supporting female-owned businesses to tipping generously, this holiday season is an opportunity to create meaningful impact and uplift women in your community.
Women often face unique challenges in business, service industries, and the workplace, especially during the holiday season.
Making thoughtful choices about where you spend your money is a powerful way of decentering men.
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Tip women more. Women, particularly those in the service industry, often face disproportionate levels of emotional and physical labor while earning lower wages. A thoughtful tip not only shows appreciation but also helps balance this inequity.
Pro Tip: During the holidays, consider tipping extra to service workers such as waitresses, hairdressers, cleaners, and other women providing essential services.
- Shop from female-owned businesses. Whether it’s buying gifts, decorations, or festive treats, prioritize businesses run by women. Not only will you be supporting their entrepreneurial efforts, but you’ll also send a message about the importance of lifting women up.
Here are some directories and marketplaces that showcase women-owned businesses, making it easy to support them:
https://buywomenowned.com/women-owned-directory/
https://www.etsy.com/market/women_owned
https://www.buyfromablackwomandirectory.org/categories
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Support businesses that advocate for women’s empowerment. Seek out companies that align with your values, such as those donating to women’s shelters, supporting female education, or actively promoting women’s causes.
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Share your knowledge with female colleagues or employees. The holiday season can be stressful for working women balancing professional and personal responsibilities.
Pro Tip: Offer actionable advice, like time-saving work hacks or mental health resources, to help women in your workplace manage the season more effectively.
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Gift experiences or resources for growth. Instead of traditional gifts, consider experiences that empower women, such as online courses, business coaching, or memberships to professional networks.
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Holiday Tip for Female Entrepreneurs: If you’re a woman running a business, use this season to spotlight your offerings with promotions, social media campaigns, or collaborations with other women-led ventures.
The folowing is an article on ‘Five Reasons to Support Local Women-Owned Businesses’-https://www.ledcmetro.org/ewi_blog_five_reasons_to_support_local_woman_owned_businesses
The following infographic from OnDeck analyzes U.S. Census Bureau data from over 300,000 organizations across major cities and states, highlighting the proportion of businesses owned by women in each state and metropolitan area.
When you choose to shop smart, tip generously, and invest in women, you not only redistribute resources but also contribute to long-term economic equity.
This is a tangible way of decentering men in spaces traditionally dominated by them and show solidarity with other women.
4. Support Charities and Volunteer at Organizations that help Women and Children
This holiday season, instead of focusing your energy on traditional gift-giving or overextending yourself, make a meaningful impact by supporting charities and volunteering at organizations that help women and children.
Your time and resources could change lives for those who need it most.
The holidays can be an especially challenging time for women and children affected by domestic violence, poverty, or abuse.
Choosing to dedicate your efforts to support these vulnerable groups is not only fulfilling but also reinforces the importance of decentering men and prioritizing the needs of women and children in our communities.
- Volunteer at women’s shelters. Many shelters rely on volunteers to help with tasks like serving meals, organizing donations, or hosting holiday events for women and children escaping domestic violence.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Shelter Listings to find shelters near you.
- Donate to charities that help women rebuild their lives. Consider supporting organizations that provide housing, counseling, legal assistance, and job training to survivors of abuse.
- Support programs for children. Many children in shelters or foster care systems feel forgotten during the holidays. Donate toys, clothing, or books to organizations that ensure they feel loved and valued during this time of year.
- Organize a community fundraiser. If volunteering in person isn’t an option, consider using your network to raise funds for a local women’s or children’s charity. Platforms like GoFundMe or Facebook Fundraisers make it easy to involve others in the cause.
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Gift care packages to women in need. Assemble and donate care packages with essentials like toiletries, warm clothing, or gift cards to shelters or charities.
Pro Tip: Include items like journals or self-care products to help women feel valued and supported.
By dedicating time or resources to women and children in need, you’re helping to rebuild lives and create a ripple effect of empowerment.
Supporting these causes during the holidays also aligns with the broader goal of decentering men and focusing on uplifting women and children in tangible ways.
Additional Resources
5. Redefine What Family Means: Cherish the Women Who Truly Matter
The holidays often center around family, but for many, this expectation brings anxiety, especially when their family of origin isn’t loving or supportive.
This season, take the opportunity to redefine what family means to you by letting go of toxic ties and cherishing the women in your life who genuinely uplift and support you.
Holidays can be a source of shame or guilt for those with unhealthy family dynamics. Many people feel obligated to maintain traditions with family members who bring harm, especially when those family members prioritize men or perpetuate patriarchal norms.
It’s crucial to acknowledge that blood relations do not define love, kindness, or empathy.
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Let go of toxic family members. Fathers, brothers, or even women who prioritize and center men over you can drain your emotional energy during the holidays. These people may hate or belittle you simply for being a woman or for refusing to align with their traditional views.
Pro Tip: Accept that it’s okay to let go of family members who don’t value your worth, even if they are biologically related to you.
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Celebrate with your chosen family. Family doesn’t have to be defined by blood—it can include the women and friends you’ve gathered over the years who radiate kindness and support.
Action Step: Make a list of women and friends who uplift you, and invite them to celebrate the holidays with you.
- Create new traditions. Instead of clinging to rituals that feel obligatory or draining, develop new traditions with the people you truly cherish. Whether it’s a cozy dinner with your best friends or a heartfelt gift exchange among supportive women, these moments can redefine what family feels like.
Redefining traditional families that prioritize men—their needs and convenience—is a transformative and powerful step in decentering men.
Here are a few articles on evolving family systems:
https://witterook.nu/artikelen/madeline/
6. Share the Holiday Labor
The holidays are a magical time, but they often come at the cost of one person—usually a woman—bearing the brunt of the work.
This season, let go of the “superwoman” mindset and embrace sharing the load with those around you.
This year, redefine what it means to create holiday magic by ensuring the workload is balanced and fair.
- Host a potluck with your girlfriends. Make the holiday meal a shared experience by inviting friends to contribute their favorite dishes. Potlucks not only lighten the load but also bring variety to the table.
Pro Tip: Use a shared online list to ensure everyone knows what to bring and avoid duplicates.
- Do not clean up the mess left by men. If men in your household create chaos, they should be the ones to clean it up. Your time and energy aren’t disposable resources to fix their messes.
Example: After dinner, state clearly that everyone is responsible for cleaning their own space or that specific tasks need volunteers—not defaulting to you.
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Only invite people who contribute or respect your time. If someone shows up empty-handed, disrespects your space, or doesn’t value your labor, reconsider whether they deserve a seat at your table. Surround yourself with people who understand and appreciate the effort you put into the holidays.
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It’s not your responsibility to delegate. You’re not a manager of holiday logistics. Offer to handle a specific task—such as cooking the main course or decorating—and leave the rest for others to sort out. Just clearly state what you’re willing to do and let them take ownership of their responsibilities.
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Only hang out with people who respect you. Holidays are about joy and love. Spend your time with those who value your presence and effort. If someone consistently takes you for granted, it’s okay to step back and protect your boundaries.
By refusing to take on tasks traditionally expected of women or cleaning up after men, we establish a powerful holiday ritual of decentering men—a crucial step in breaking the patterns that have long upheld patriarchal households.
The following infographic from Emotional Labor is on emotional labor women take on during the holidays.
By prioritizing fairness and surrounding yourself with people who truly value you, the holidays can become a time of connection and self-care rather than stress.
7. Buy Yourself a Gift: Prioritize Your Needs and Desires
The holiday season often glorifies selflessness, teaching women to prioritize everyone else’s needs above their own.
This year, it’s time to break free from that cycle and prioritize yourself by giving yourself the thoughtful gift you truly deserve.
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Challenge the norm of self-sacrifice. Society has conditioned women to sacrifice their desires for their children, husbands, and families, leaving their own needs overlooked. This year, rewrite the narrative by giving yourself a meaningful gift—something that brings you joy, fulfillment, or relaxation.
- Example: Whether it’s a spa day, a book you’ve been wanting to read, or that high-end gadget you’ve had your eye on, this gift is about you and only you.
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Stop accepting thoughtless gifts. Many women spend hours thoughtfully shopping for their family and loved ones but receive lackluster or inconsiderate gifts in return. It’s time to stop waiting for others to understand what you want and take matters into your own hands.
- Pro Tip: Set aside a budget specifically for a personal gift each year—consider it an investment in your happiness and well-being.
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Take control of your joy. There’s power in recognizing your own worth and treating yourself as the priority. Celebrate your accomplishments and the effort you’ve put into the year by giving yourself a gift that reflects how much you deserve to be celebrated.
- Example: If you’ve been eyeing a luxurious item or experience but holding back because it felt indulgent, remind yourself that your happiness matters too.
Here are a few ideas to treat yourself:
https://bumbleandbustle.com/2019/11/18/holiday-gift-guide-2019-part-2-ideas-to-treat-yourself/
The following infographic from HowToMoney shows 12 ways to treat yourself.
By prioritizing yourself this holiday season, you’re not only reclaiming your joy but also setting a powerful example of self-worth for others and decentering men.
8. Let the Holidays Be Imperfect: Break Free from Unrealistic Expectations
For too long, women have felt the weight of creating a “perfect” holiday season—a burden rooted in societal expectations and patriarchal norms.
This year, it’s time to reject perfectionism and embrace a holiday that prioritizes your peace over pleasing others.
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Perfectionism is patriarchy in disguise. The expectation for women to make every detail flawless—decorations, meals, gifts, and even family dynamics—while men contribute little is a direct result of patriarchal norms. Women are unfairly judged as “bad mothers” or “poor homemakers” if the holidays don’t meet impossibly high standards.
- Example: If the Christmas tree isn’t perfectly symmetrical or the house is a bit messy, it’s not the end of the world. Let go of those small, unnecessary worries.
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Stop trying to impress men or others. Often, women work overtime during the holidays to gain approval from partners, family members, or even society at large. This season, take a stand—do what makes you happy instead of striving to impress anyone, especially men who don’t contribute to the holiday effort.
- Pro Tip: If someone points out something “imperfect” about your holiday setup, remind yourself that their opinion doesn’t define your worth.
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Reject the guilt of doing “less.” Society conditions women to feel guilty if they don’t overextend themselves. This holiday season, let go of those pressures. Your worth isn’t tied to how “perfect” your home or holiday looks.
- Pro Tip: Prioritize the activities that bring you joy and skip the rest—whether it’s baking cookies from scratch or leaving the dishes for later.
Here is an article on why women tend to be more perfectionistic:
https://sagecounselingtherapyandwellness.com/why-are-women-more-likely-to-be-perfectionists/
By allowing imperfection, you are decentering men and letting go of the unrealistic expectations placed on women.
9. Say No to Toxic Traditions: Redefine Your Holiday Norms
Holiday traditions are meant to bring joy, but many of them were created to prioritize the convenience and comfort of men, leaving women with the emotional and physical labor.
This year, it’s time to say no to toxic traditions and reclaim your holiday for yourself.
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Question traditions that center men. Many holiday customs, from elaborate meals to family gatherings, often hinge on women doing the heavy lifting while men sit back. Ask yourself: Who benefits from this tradition? If it’s not you, it might be time to let it go.
- Example: If preparing a big holiday feast stresses you out, scale it back or ask everyone, including the men, to contribute equally.
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You’re not obligated to follow outdated norms. Just because something has “always been done this way” doesn’t mean you have to continue it. Traditions should evolve to reflect what matters to you—not perpetuate unnecessary labor or discomfort.
- Pro Tip: Start new traditions that focus on joy, relaxation, and connection rather than obligation.
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Challenge “family-first” narratives that ignore women’s needs. Holidays often pressure women to center their energy around family, which typically prioritizes the men within that unit. Instead, redefine “family” to include those who uplift and respect you—whether they’re blood relatives or chosen family.
- Example: Skip gatherings where you’re expected to cater to toxic relatives, and spend time with friends who truly value your presence.
- Celebrate in ways that center women. Instead of centering men or outdated norms, create traditions that celebrate the women in your life. Whether it’s hosting a girls-only holiday brunch or volunteering to support women in need, make the season about empowerment and connection.
The following infographic from IECCCouplesCounseling highlights 7 common problems couples face during the holidays.
By saying no to toxic traditions, you create space for a holiday season that aligns with your values and priorities, effectively decentering men.
10. Prioritize Your Rest and Joy
The holidays don’t have to be all about others—this season, prioritize your own rest and joy. By carving out moments just for you, you can rediscover the peace and happiness often overshadowed by holiday stress.
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Take yourself on a holiday date. Who says you need a partner or group to enjoy festive activities? Plan a solo outing to do something you love.
- Example: Stroll through a festive market, grab a hot chocolate, and soak in the holiday lights. Or head to a holiday movie and treat yourself to your favorite snacks.
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Allow yourself to disconnect. You don’t need to be “on” for everyone all season. Take time to step away from the noise and recharge your mental and physical energy.
- Pro Tip: Schedule downtime during the busiest days—whether it’s a 30-minute nap, a short walk, or time to journal about your feelings.
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Indulge in your favorite comforts. Use this time to revisit what makes you happy. Binge-watch a holiday movie marathon, curl up with a book you’ve been meaning to read, or try a new recipe just for yourself.
- Example: Spend an evening in cozy pajamas, sipping tea or wine, and listening to a playlist of your favorite songs.
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Celebrate your independence. Whether you’re single, partnered, or part of a bustling household, moments of solitude can remind you of your own strength and self-worth. Embrace the holidays as a time for personal reflection and gratitude for the relationship you have with yourself.
Here are a few articles that offer ideas for things to do solo during Christmas:
https://www.countryliving.com/uk/wellbeing/a34938891/spending-christmas-alone/
https://lonerwolf.com/51-things-christmas-alone/
Prioritizing your rest and joy is a powerful way of decentering men while reclaiming balance and happiness this holiday season.
Conclusion
The holidays should be a time of joy, not exhaustion. By decentering men and prioritizing your needs, you can reclaim the magic for yourself this season.
Remember, you don’t have to do it all—you deserve rest, recognition, and happiness just as much as anyone else.
What’s one way you’ll prioritize yourself this holiday season? Let us know in the comments below, and don’t forget to share this post with a friend who needs a reminder to take care of themselves!
Bonus: Self-Care Ideas for the Holidays
- Book a spa day or create an at-home spa experience.
- Plan a holiday staycation.
- Host a “just-for-me” movie marathon.
- Write down what you’re grateful for this year.
FAQs on Decentering Men
Decentering men is essential for living a safe and sane life in a patriarchal world. Remember, self-care is a necessity and it’s something you should never feel guilty about.
2. What are some signs that I’m making progress in decentering men?
The best sign that you’re making progress in decentering men is spending less time worrying about what any man thinks about you or your life.
3. What role do female role models play in decentering men?
Female role models play a crucial role in decentering men by providing inspiration, guidance, and validation for women seeking to prioritize their own identities and aspirations.