“It is vain to expect virtue from women till they are in some degree independent of men.”
― A Vindication of the Rights of Woman
What is Decentering Men and Why Should We Decenter Men in Our Personal Lives?
Decentering men means putting yourself first over what any man thinks or expects of you. To decenter men is to choose yourself.
As women, we often, consciously or unconsciously, give importance to what men think of us. This is the result of being born and raised in a patriarchy.
We have to consciously choose to decenter men in our lives to figure out who we actually are. As women, we have never been encouraged to live for ourselves, nor have we grown up seeing such examples.
When we talk about a woman’s personal life, it is mostly about others and not her. It is about her family, children, and romantic partner.
It is rarely about her hobbies or interests. Most women rarely get time to do things they love. All their time and energy are consumed by others around her—mostly men.
The Expectation from Women
Most of our mothers placed their family above themselves, even at their own expense. Even women who had professional careers do more housework than the men in the family.
The workload and labor at home have never been equal and will never be equal—there is no equivalent labor to carrying and birthing a child. So even if we talk about 50/50, it is not enough. Women deserve better.
The Entitlement of Men
Despite dowry deaths and unpaid labor being a big reality in our society even today, some men have the audacity to call women ‘gold diggers.’ In reality, they are the gold diggers.
Now, women are expected to pay 50/50 while men remain silent about the work of bearing and birthing their kids. Most men live at the cost of women’s unpaid labor and act entitled.
So it is important for women to reclaim their personal lives and never give them up for men in the first place.
Let us look into certain aspects of our lives where we allow men to suck out our time and energy that we should be using to make our personal lives rich.
12 Strategies to Decenter Men in Our Personal Lives:
1. Set aside 1-2 hours a day, depending on your lifestyle, just for yourself as a way to decenter men.
No work, no children, no husband, nobody. Do exactly what you want to do. Do not entertain any phone calls or any other interactions from the outside world during that time. That is your “me” time.
Be very deliberate about that time—don’t waste it away scrolling. If you want to watch a certain movie or a show, be very particular about what you want to watch.
Be very certain about how you want to spend that time.
2. Question every help a man asks of you as a way to decenter men.
Are they asking for help because they genuinely need it, or is it because they are so used to having their matters attended to by women? Only help if it is genuine.
If there are other men who can help, please do not lend your support. Ask them to approach other men first.
3. Do not ask for or lend money to men as a way to decenter men.
Our goal is to interact with men as little as possible. So, ask for help from women first, and lend a hand to a woman before helping a man.
4. Do not assist with daily chores of men if they are healthy enough to do so.
Men are accustomed to being taken care of by women and often expect it, viewing women as caretakers.
If a person is capable of doing the chores themselves, refrain from offering assistance, especially for men in your household—your father, husband, brother, or grown-up son.
5. Do not share personal or sensitive information with any males in your social circle.
It’s better not to share. Sometimes even your father can sabotage your plans and discourage you.
Only share important information with people who have earned your trust. Do not share your life plans and financial details with just any man.
6. Do not easily grant access to men in your home or in your life as a way to decenter men.
Whether it’s on social media or in your own house, be cautious about the kind of men you allow into your life.
It’s always safest to assume that most of them are misogynistic for your safety and security. Don’t give any man the benefit of the doubt. Prioritize your safety and security above all else.
7. Never trust any man blindly or assume they can do a better job than you by default.
Assuming men are better at certain things by default, especially in finance, is a lie. They are no better than you in anything.
If you want to learn something, you can always put in the effort and learn. You do not have to depend on a man for anything.
8. Do not rely on help from men as much as possible or assume that a man will assist you in times of need.
Do not expect anything in return from a man. If possible, prioritize helping yourself first. Seek assistance from women first.
Ensure that in life, you do not have to depend on men for anything. Do not take help from men as much as possible or assume a man will help you in times of need.
9. Whenever possible, prioritize employing women for your work as a way to decenter men.
Offer them opportunities to earn, as they are likely to deliver more honest work than any man you may hire.
10. Support and volunteer for organizations that work for women and children as a way to decenter men.
Your social support for other underprivileged women can make a significant difference.
11. Make sure to support female artists, athletes,leaders and creators as a way to decenter men.
Attend movies, plays, and sports events featuring women. Help women become an integral part of pop culture, just like men.
12. Withdraw support from religions and organizations that are sexist as a way to decenter men.
Do not enable or support systems that thrive at the cost of women, whether it’s on social media, in real life, or even within your family. Call out people’s misogyny to their face if possible.
Additional resources:
https://charliestoolbox.medium.com/decentering-men-why-you-need-to-let-go-of-men-25f3a5dd2da2
https://www.charliestoolbox.com/post/how-to-decenter-men
https://sasforwomen.com/the-decisive-value-of-decentering-men-from-your-life/
